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Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that politeness is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has influenced both my personal and professional life. It frustrates my family and friends and workmates, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or making inquiries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through exposure therapy, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that counseling might benefit me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become harmful in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than striving. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a safe space to examine and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and undermine yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or exposure, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of annoyance and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be useful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This process will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.